“So you intend to go through life never loving anyone? Just … things?”

“No. I’m looking for something more.”
“More than love?”
“Yes.”
“Is it not arrogant to think you deserve more, Khalid Ibn al-Rashid?”
“Is it so arrogant to want something that doesn’t change with the wind? That doesn’t crumble at the first sign of adversity?”
“You want something that doesn’t exist. A figment of your imagination.”
“No. I want someone who sees beneath the surface-someone who completes the balance. An equal.”
“And how will you know when you’ve found this elusive someone?” Shahrzad retorted.
“I suspect she will be like air. Like knowing how to breathe.”

― Renee Ahdieh, The Wrath & the Dawn

Fresh.

It’s been a busy and fun week. I’ve been getting out of my comfort zone a bit, since this past weekend. Everything since Saturday has been feeling a bit fresh, with new faces and new experiences.

Firstly, I actually went to a church activity. If you’ve known me for the past, say 3 to 4 years, you’d know that I don’t ever do anything on the extra-curricular side when it comes to church. That just isn’t me. Sure, I’ll go to a district event every now and then; but, I’ll never really participate. This time around, I actually participated in some flag football. I honestly wasn’t planning on playing since I had already did a grueling crossfit class beforehand.. but it’s hard for me to say no to a lot of things. So I actually played on the Santa Clarita team. Interestingly, I had fun and I didn’t regret it. I got to meet some very nice and interesting people! That certainly would not have happened if I hadn’t attended. After flag football practice, most of us proceeded to the local boba stop. Man, you know me. I love that boba. I genuinely enjoyed the company as well.

Monday came and I was off to Massachusetts (mark me as guilty for not knowing how to spell that correctly on the first shot) for a work trip.  I must say, Boston is beautiful. I don’t know if I’ve told you yet; but, I love trees. Boston is filled with great trees and green scenery. Every time I take a drive, I can’t help but marvel at the beautiful trees that line the road. Also, a new friend pointed out the beauty in architecture as well. I have since found a new appreciation for it that I probably had before. I saw so many amazing buildings- old and new. Each bringing a robust and classic; yet, modern feel to the city. I appreciated it and wished that I had the gear and the time to capture it in photo. The culture of the citizens here is very friendly and very easy-going. Almost everyone here is discussing the local teams (New England Patriots and the Boston Red Sox) OR the weather, which oddly is a very popular topic here. Speaking of the weather, I luckily have caught the tail end of their summer here, so temperature have ranged from the 60’s to the 80’s- nothing I’m not used to, being from Oxnard and Santa Clarita. The pace of life is much slower than Los Angeles, which I highly appreciate. I feel much less stress just being here- and reducing stress is always a priority in my life. One downfall of Boston is how spread out everything seems to be. I feel like I have to drive so far out to get to things. Maybe I’m just spoiled from Valencia/Los Angeles where things are very condensed. I honestly think I could live here but I may be saying that because I particularly want to just get out of California.

I fly back Friday morning and I can’t wait to get back home. I have a few things to look forward to: on Friday night, we have a team competition/workout- those are always very fun and on Saturday night, I’ll be attending a walk for Lupus awareness. Hopefully I’ll be able to spend time with good company. Can’t wait.

See you soon, California. I’ve sorely missed you since I’ve been gone.

timmo.

Drive slow.

What’s the rush?

I’m guilty. We all are at some point. Guilty of rushing into things, lacking patience, and failing to appreciate journey. Everyone speeds toward their destination without taking the time to look around and observe how beautiful the world is around us. We begin to lose sight of the very purpose of the journey in the first place and only focus on the destination. Sure, focusing on the destination is great; everyone is trying to get somewhere. But appreciating the journey will make the destination much sweeter. I get it. It’s hard to stomach the amount of hours you’ll spend behind the wheel. Just try to take it one mile at a time and with a smile on your face. You’ll get there.

After this whole crazy driving metaphor, I just need to re-focus. I need to be more patient (as if I’m not patient enough already). I need to drive slower. I need to go with the flow (of traffic, if we’re still doing the metaphor thing). Let’s see where this road takes me. Hopefully, I end up at the destination I wanted all along.

“we’re ordinary people- maybe we should take it slow.”

But give me the green light. 🙂

timmo.

Be patient. Work hard.

A MySpace Survey.

Yes. You read that correctly. A friend and I reminisced the old days. We talked about arranging our top 8’s, shouting out our best friends in our side panels, posting bulletins, having Xanga pages, and the most notorious of all.. filling out MySpace surveys.

It’s 2016. Let’s have some fun and fill out a MySpace survey for old times’ sake.

The survey is called A-Z. For what reason? I do not know.

A) What does the last text you sent say?
Okeydokey artichokey.

B) What does the last text you recieved say?
“I mean it’s not good but I’m just dealing with it I guess lol”
C) What time do you wake up most mornings?
4:09 A.M.

D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night?
Not particularly.

E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day?
Crossfit. 🙂

F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom?
Nope.

G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school?
Nope.

H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so?
I do quite enjoy my job. 🙂 Helping patients is the best feeling.

I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos?
Hahaha. Yes I do.

J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined?
Haven’t we all? Always decline.

K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking?
Definitely. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted?
Tylenol.

M) Tell us something weird that turns you on.
Excellent teeth.

N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual?
Seems like a while ago, now.

O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?
Improvement.

P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation?
I can’t remember when; but, there’s always a point where argument becomes pointless when both parties cannot compromise.

Q) Do you usually initiate hugs?
I try. I’m really bad at it.

R) Are you a very affectionate person?
Depends.

S) Can you roll your own cigarettes?
Nope.

T) What are you looking forward to?
Sleep. And third period geography. LOL JK BRAH.

U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more?
Not currently. And who the hell had them when MySpace was around?! Side note: I do want a tattoo.

V) Are you mentally strong?
I’d like to think so.

W) Are you physically strong?
I have plenty of physical goals to work on. *evasive / humble response*

X) Do you think you’re a good person?
I’d like to think so.

Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now.
🙂 *subliminal message*

Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast?
COFFEEEE.

If you read the whole survey, props. Text me and laugh at me. I actually had fun. I guess I like the whole random ass question thing.

Cheers,

timmo.

“You are better..”

she said, almost playfully. I blushed- but I did not want her to know.

Yesterday, I had the absolute honor and pleasure of seeing my seemingly long lost cousins and my auntie Fe at my cousin’s housewarming party. When my aunt saw my brother and I, she immediately started crying tears of joy. We hadn’t seen each other in maybe years now. She probably thought that she would never see us again- the thought of her feeling that way makes me shudder in shame.

I had been thinking about this whole situation for a while now, especially involving family. Everyone knows my family to be a tiny 3 (4, counting Jamie)-person show; but, I do have other cousins that I rarely got to see during my childhood. Even my aunts haven’t seen me in years.

Now that I’m older and more independent, I have been thinking about being a better cousin. Being a better nephew. Being a better brother. Being a better friend. Being a better son. Being a better boyfriend (in the future). Being a better person in general. I literally just want to be better in every sense. People always deserve the best version of me that I can offer.

I’m still a work in progress but I like to think I’m turning out to be okay. You all know how much I desire to be in everyone’s good favor. I’d practically do anything.

Thanks for sticking with me. If you’re reading this, I promise you that I’ll be better to you.

timmo.

Open Letter:

Dear you,

I know that you’ll never read this; but, it’s here.

To you, a girl who stuck between a rock and a hard place. I beg you to know your worth and know that you are loved. Know that you do not need such things to be happy and that you can be happy on your own. It’s difficult to see you in a lose-lose situation and to not be able to help you. All that I can do is tell you what I foresee in the future of both paths. All I can do is tell you that you need not choose either and that you may have the courage to walk away from it all- to forge your own new path. There is no shame in being alone, tending your wounds, and coming out stronger than before. Your friends and loved ones will always be there to support you, no matter what your decision is. Everything in life is a learning experience.

You deserve better. I pray you find the strength to realize that.

Best of luck to you,

timmo.

Priorities

As I get older and (hopefully) mature, I’m slowly beginning to realize how important having priorities really is. Somehow I feel that I’ve written a blog about this already; but, oh well. Whatever.

We’re all adults and we have the freedom to make any decisions that we please. Within the confines of human capability, we have the ability to go wherever we please, eat/drink whatever we please, and pretty much do anything we please. Yes- social constructs and moral expectations do come into play as well; but, as long as you aren’t a complete douchebag, you’re pretty much free to do whatever you want. Often, people take for granted that they have free will. That’s right. If you’re reading this, chances are pretty high that you have free will. So.. seriously. Go do what you want.

Above doing what you want is actually doing what you need to do. These are necessities like: BREATHING (for sure don’t forget that one), working, going to school, etc. Society does expect us to be productive. Lately, I’ve been trying to distinguish between the things I just want to do versus the things I actually need to do in order to thrive and progress in life. This is where having priorities is crucial.

With all this in mind, you have to decide who and/or what is a priority. Is it the girl you like? Is it school? Is it work? Is it your dog? Is it the high score on a retro pinball machine? Is it a fitness goal? Whatever it is- realize this: you have the ability to choose. You have the power to dedicate all your time and effort to that retro pinball machine, leaving all other things behind. Is that wise? Probably not; but still, it’s your choice. I’ll leave it up to your own personal judgment for what is actually a priority. Truthfully, I’m still trying to figure it out for myself.

Just remember one thing: it’s your life. Lead it the way you want to and don’t worry about how others feel about your decisions. Exchange all those dollars into quarters and nail that high score on that retro pinball machine. Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be.

Birthday blues

Once a year, we celebrate the anniversary of life. Everyone has a birthday- good or bad. Yesterday marked my 26th year of life. Cheers to that.

I usually get a bit of the birthday blues, every year. Though it is a day of celebration, happiness, attention, love, compassion, and other fluffy adjectives- it is also another day to reflect on what I’ve done in life and what I’ve accomplished. What are my ragrets (joke) and are they even really regrets? Am I proud of what I have become? I guess I could have contemplated all of this on another day; but, what’s the fun in that? *devilish smile*

On the way to Hawaii, I spoke to an interesting, yet very wise woman, who opened my eyes to the value and worth of things and concepts in life. She also gave her philosophy that you should try and measure situations with someone else’s measuring stick, and not just yours. Kind of like, walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Until we can truly see the person’s intentions from their perspective, we cannot truly judge them or label them based upon our own perspective. Through one’s eyes, an action may seem atrocious and through another’s, it may have been a sensible solution. She also talked to me about worth, value, courage, and strength. She beckoned me to think about who or what is truly with my time. She encouraged me to value myself, value my time, my body, and my spirit. Lastly, she told me to have the courage and strength to walk away from certain situations and stand up to others. She told me of her many experiences in life where she took the back seat to certain decisions and events. She learned that she did not value herself enough to be strong. And so, she told me to learn from her mistakes and to value myself. I am worth much more than mediocrity- and that I settling for mediocrity is conforming to mediocrity.

At the same time, we applied the value and worth thing toward love. She asked me who I would find worthy of my time? Who would I value in the end? What qualities would I value in a woman? Lastly, would that girl be worth seeing through her all faults, imperfections, and insecurities? It gave me a lot to think about, when searching for “the one.” I won’t elaborate on my thoughts but it really got me to think about what I truly want and who I truly consider as worth it.

I didn’t really reflect on all of that until yesterday, which was pretty stupid of me; but OH WELL. It was my birthday and it’s a societal expectation that you respect the way that I spent it. 😛 Honestly, my birthday was rather uneventful- which was to be expected from a birthday that takes place on a Wednesday. I worked, did homework, and somewhat cleaned my room. I had my annual solo Thai food dinner, minus the Thai tea this time around. It was a quiet and relaxing evening to say the least. I don’t ragret it by any means; but yes, I do wish I had a bit more fun. Oh well. There’s always next year. I’ll probably go shopping to buy myself a nice gift. It’s always good to self-reward/self-motivate.

Thank you to everyone who greeted me happy birthday. You are all wonderful people and I’m sorry that I almost never say happy birthday back.

timmo.

Square 1

Summer is pretty much over. School has started (even for me). People are returning to their ever busy routines. The plans I had hoped to fulfill and the people I had hoped to connect with will be placed on yet another hiatus. But I suppose that’s life. Curse missed opportunities.

Looking forward, it’s probably still time to focus on my self. It’s time to improve and get better. It’s time to make some goals, big or small, and crush them. It’s time to set my priorities straight and dedicate time to the things and people I really care about.

Summer, it’s been real. Next time I’ll be ready for you.